Dark Unicorn

What you're getting

Here's the rewrite in Sam's voice:

You know how unicorns are these days—white horse, spiralled horn, job done. But medieval folk had a very different idea. Back then, a unicorn was more like a donkey or goat in size, with a deer's head stuck on a horse's body, a lion's tail, a goat's beard, and split hooves. Still white, mind you, but considerably weirder looking. They reckoned it was a symbol of purity and faithfulness, and the thing was supposedly impossible to tame. Bit more interesting than the sparkly version, really.